So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
