I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
