As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Let's paint friendship bongs
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
