I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
