He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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