Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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