apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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