The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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