i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
