I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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