I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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