You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
