I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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