How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
