Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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