I can tuck mytits in my pants
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
