When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
