I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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