I feel like abortions should bother me more
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
