What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
