Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
