Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
