I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The power of my boobs compel you
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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