I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
