FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
