I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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