i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
