I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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