I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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