have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
