So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
