I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
