I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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