You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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