I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
