I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize