He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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