his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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