at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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