Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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