My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
