everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
