i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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