What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
