she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
