people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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