Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
