My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
