I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This is my gift to your gina
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
