Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
