I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
