i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize