Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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