come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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