Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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