Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Randomize
