This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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